2023 Wrapped: A Tumultuous Track of Hard Feelings, Girlhood, and American Pie
Because one coming of age wasn't enough?
A few days before 2023 came to a close, I cried. Not because I had been reflecting on the insanely tumultuous year I just endured, and not because of any lost loves or stunning revelations, but because of a childhood memory that had been unexpectedly revived.
After picking up a Pickle rental in the West Village, I transferred from the L to the G and stumbled upon an article on Don McLean. As I tapped into the link, I was immediately transported to my youth, when my dad used to burn CDs for me and my sister. He and my mom got divorced when I was little, but when we’d still see him twice a week, his love language was putting our favorite songs on one medium. While we were together, our voices often drowned out the sound of the radio as we bickered about which stations we wanted to listen to. Whether it was Debut-era Taylor Swift or “YMCA,” his CDs were curated with care. Thanks to my dad, I learned about the art of storytelling through song — which eventually changed the course of my life for years to come. He eventually introduced us to “American Pie,” McLean’s 8-minute nostalgic epic that detailed a time I didn’t even live through. Yet, what I once knew as the fun track about driving a “Chevy to the levee” translated into something much bigger when I eventually grew up. I tapped into the article, realizing that it had been a good 15-ish years since I last listened to the song in full. So, I thought, What the hell, and queued it up on Apple Music for my commute back to Greenpoint.
Suddenly, the black Dior Saddle Bag I rented for the first two weeks of the new year was sitting in my tote and became the last thing on my mind. I listened to McLean’s musings, and suddenly the lyrics — albeit simple — struck a chord and prompted tears. Now, you’re probably rolling your eyes at that sentiment like, Girl, BFFR, but dare I say the song moved me after all these years? Be it the relation to my youth or the uncertainty of the year that lay ahead, your girl cried silently on the train home — and I’m not even a crier like that (more on that later).
Days before, I told my sister that I was tired of reflecting. I had already spent so much of 2023 looking back at certain moments and processing emotions that by the time New Year’s Eve rolled around, I felt fatigued. While I had a blast writing my last piece of the year (which happened to be Cosmo’s “Best Albums of 2023” roundup), I treated it with a delicacy that only comes around when I care deeply about something. I heard RuPaul’s iconic voice echo, “Good luck, and don’t fuck it up!” as my editor agreed to let me try my hand at curating the list.
Even now, I look back and regret not including other albums that I personally loved last year (Starfucker by Slayyyter, Sunburn by Dominic Fike, and My Soft Machine by Arlo Parks, to name a few). I told myself that was the last thing I’d reflect on until I forced myself to make a recap video for my socials. I skipped out on creating a Twitter thread of my favorite pieces I worked on throughout the year (to be fair… The Layoffs™️ of July 2023 forced me to slow down and lighten my workload a bit).
2023 forced me to face challenges of different multitudes… but it was also my best year yet. Things started smoothly as I attempted to ease into the next 12 months — I’d get tattoos with friends, try new restaurants, and reminisce on my favorite songs and the memories tied to them. I met new people, achieved things I’ve only ever dreamed of, and spent more time with concepts that were once unfamiliar to me. I journaled in Central Park and found beauty in strolling through the Upper East Side before one of my best friends, Casey (and ultimately, I) moved away. Then, everything changed. You know how that went, so I’ll spare the recap (and if you missed it, feel free to revisit my August post).
As previously mentioned, I’ve never really been a crier but the waterworks came more often last year. In June, The Aces paid a visit to the Seventeen office to meet my team and speak on the therapeutic release that was their third album, I’ve Loved You For So Long. I had been listening to an advanced stream of the record since April, and made it a point to tell the band that it played out like the soundtrack to a coming of age movie — fitting, since they considered it an ode to that time in their lives. One lyric from their track “Person” muses:
How come at the age of 25 / Nothing makes me feel alive / Like surrendering my peace of mind?
I was a few months shy of 25 at that point, but already felt the second wind of puberty coming on with spiraling emotions. I’d heard from several people that it’s just part of hitting your mid-twenties. In our post-meeting kitchen debrief at the office, I turned to the band’s lead singer, Cristal, and said, “Is it just me or does everyone feel like this at 25? It’s a couple of months away, but I literally feel like I’m going insane. It’s like I’m a teenager all over again.” Although she was probably definitely tired from their album cycle’s press run, she listened sincerely and laughed in agreement. She reassured me it’s more common than one might think — especially with queer identities — and I felt less alone with her simple validation.
Whether I watched sad movies, processed my own grief, felt for others, or felt overwhelmed with joy — a good cry became my norm, and I had finally accepted that it was okay to just let it out. In the first five minutes past midnight on Friday, October 13, I cried… and it almost felt like I was opening a portal. They were mainly happy tears, but a mere two hours before, I was celebrating the launch of a new lingerie collection with my sister, some of my best friends, rockstars, and all-around favorite people. It was the final moments of 24 transitioning into 25, and it almost felt like a fever dream.
At the event, I was catching up with my friend Spencer when he asked me how leaving 24 felt, and honestly? I took a swig of the champagne I had just ordered and put it bluntly: I felt strange. I’ve never really been one to dwell on my age, or what it means, or how it affects my psyche — that is, until 2023. After fighting for so much of my life to discover who I am and who I wanted to become, I finally felt sure of myself… until I realized it’s a never-ending cycle. And that’s beautiful, exciting, and terrifying all at once.
Through the highest highs and lowest lows, I still turned to the soundtrack of my life, which brings me to the ~heavy rotation~ of Q4.
American Pie - Don McLean (duh)
What Was I Made For? - Billie Eilish
Growing Sideways - Noah Kahan
Still Got It - Troye Sivan
Open Up Wide - Dizzy
Starfucker - Slayyyter
My Kink is Karma - Chappell Roan
Nothing Matters - The Last Dinner Party
Hate (I Really Don’t Like You) - Plain White T’s
Run for the Hills - Tate McRae
Tummy Hurts - Reneé Rapp
Edge of the Earth - The Beaches
Thankfully, I’ve never lived a life where the music died.
P.S. I’m more than aware that I took… a while with this edition of C+C, but I was living my life and healing and going through the motions (see above). The good news is I’ve gotten into a new routine and have been feeling much better — and in turn, I’ve felt more inspired to create. Till next time, friends!